Tuesday, September 2, 2008

IUI w/ Clomid #2, Round #2

Sorry I never updated at the end of August. I never ovulated, either. At least not that I could tell. I did the OPKs but never detected a surge. Either I missed the surge somehow, or I didn't ovulate at all, so we of course didn't get to do the IUI. Now September will be IUI w/ Clomid #2, Round #2. Today is Cycle Day 1. Maybe this cycle will go better. I am scheduled for a baseline scan tomorrow at 9:30am. What fun. I'm going to ask the Dr. if she wants to up my Clomid dosage from 100mg to 150mg. Maybe that would produce a stronger response. We'll see what she says.

I will admit, I'm starting to get a little frustrated. Well, I was frustrated about a year and a half ago, but now it's getting bad. I don't have a clue where to go from here. We're going to keep trying with the IUI's for a while, I guess, but where do I draw the line? I already know that I will likely never be able to afford IVF, and I don't have a problem adopting, but at what point do I scrap my plans, and say enough is enough? Because here's the deal: I have always planned on adopting. Ever since I was a small child, adoption was part of the plan. Probably because a lot of the people in my family are adopted, it has always seemed like a normal thing, and like the right thing. I know I am capable of loving any child, whether I spit it out or not. But here's the problem: My plan has always been to have two children, and then to adopt two children. Why is this a problem, you ask? Why not just adopt 4 children? Because I want at least one of them to be a baby. But I will not adopt babies. It goes against everything I believe to wait around to adopt a baby from a private agency, when there are so many older children out there in state care who need homes. Let the babies go to the people who are even more infertile than me. There are older children who have to sleep on cots in the Child Protective Services offices at night because there are not enough homes for older children. So my plan has always been to have two babies of my own, and then to adopt two older children, most likely a sibling group.

So, stopping fertility treatments for me would not only mean giving up on the idea of having a child of my own, although that was never really the issue, since I planned on adopting at some point anyway. Instead it would would mean giving up on the idea of having a baby, since I am not willing to adopt a baby. It would mean giving up the first few years of all my children's lives, and not getting to take part in those formative years at all.

I don't know how long I can keep going with the treatments before I give up on them, or the money runs out, but even if they don't work, nothing will stop me from having kids. But I may still slap the next person who asks me, "Why don't you just adopt?" I plan to, but on my own schedule, and if I choose to try to spit out a couple before I do, that's my business.

Ok, rant over. Enough for now.


Erin said...

Stacy, I hope this round goes well, but if it doesn't whatever you decide to do, I will be cheering you on from the sidelines! And if you need anyone to hold down that person while you slap the shit out of them, then just make a call, I will hold the cow down! Love ya!

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